Additional information[edit | edit source]
Favorite food: Chocolate ice cream
Favorite sports: Soccer, volleyball, tetherball
Favorite school subject: Art, history
Least favorite school subject: Math
First sketch: Drop What You're Doing
Favorite sketch: The Haunted Piano
Favorite video game: Apex Legends
Stumped, written by Tori Pence[edit | edit source]
I’m a hardcore decorator of things. I eat up holidays like they’re candy. So the Christmas before I turned 17 I was very busy bedecking my home in its holiday finery when down the street walk the dear young missionaries.
Sometimes missionaries are attractive.
Sometimes you’re 16 and you dig that.
And sometimes you’re wearing an extra large paint shirt with fabulous swishy pants that are, oh yes, not so artfully ripped and torn. Oh, they also smell like an old tent.
You’re a stylish lady, yes ma’am.
….Yeah, I looked like your average hobo.
The missionaries came over to say hello as I finished stringing the lights on my porch. We exchanged some witty (?) banter and I decided that it was time to check out the results of my decorating skills.
I leapt down from my porch, like a boss. Really, I leapt down like I was mighty Thor descending. A champion. I turned around and began to jog backwards to get a better look of the porch. Again, I was a winner.
A winner who had forgotten about the stump in her front yard.
A winner who jogged backward right into that stump and smacked it with all the force a backward jogger can exert.
I hit that stump. And flew. I really soared. It was probably beautiful, in the way that oil spills are beautiful. So….not.
I hit the ground and my mind went into overdrive. It supplied me with two options: 1. Stay on your back and lie there like a struggling turtle and look like an utter fool or
2. Continue with that momentum from the fall and go into a backwards somersault.
Two! Pick two m’lord!
I continued that glorious fall, rolled like the most skilled pill bug you’ve ever seen, and hopped right back up on my feet. Without missing a beat I said:“Yep, that’s a good lookin’ house”.
Indeed. I just went on like the entire acrobatics display had never happened.
See, people like me who succeed so entirely at life know that the best way out of a humiliating situation is to ignore it.
What I didn’t realize was that in my glorious fall my awful, smelly, stained shirt betrayed me. It pulled up most of the way up my back and stayed there. My poor back had gotten rather badly scratched in the process and you could see all those cuts in their glory.
There I stood, staring jauntily at my home, shirt halfway up my back, happily ignoring my failure at life, the picture of a sane and well-adjusted high school girl.
The elders burst out laughing.
Heck, I did too; it was hilarious!
But in that moment I knew that it was never acceptable to crush on a missionary. The Lord protects His own from weirdy teens. Oh yes He does.
And that, dear friends, is where I will leave you. With the image of my poor hobo self standing in all her majesty and the knowledge that you will always be cooler than someone.
So go through this week knowing that you’re awesome.
Oh, and you should follow me on Instagram @tori_pence.
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