Transcript: (sketch)
Matt: Uh, excuse me, is this where the rehearsal is?
Mallory: Yeah, yeah. I'm Mallory.
Matt: Matt, I'm Thatcher.
Mallory: Oh, Marguerite.
Matt: Oh, okay.
Mallory: Great. Well, do you know anything about this director, actually?
Matt: No, I haven't even met her.
Mallory: Yeah, me neither.
Matt: Yeah, nothing.
Whitney: Good evening Thatcher, Marguerite. I'd introduce myself, but I assume you already know who I am. Valencia. Tonight we'll be rehearsing scene 3, page 24 in your scripts.
Matt: Scene 3, uh…, we are in Thatcher's fire-lit living room. Thatcher is gazing into the fire, while swirling a glass of brandy.
Whitney: Bigger swirls, Thatcher. Good. Yes, get it all over. Yes, yes. Now keep that up, don't ever stop swirling that brandy.
Matt: Okay.
Mallory: Okay, "Marguerite enters. She walks up to Thatcher, clutching a live ferret." Is that a misprint?
Whitney: No. You'd be surprised how many rodents there are in this piece.
Mallory: Okay, is it just…
Whitney: Yes. Yes, pet the ferret. Oh, that's wonderful. That's lovely. Okay, proceed.
Matt: "Marguerite, what are you doing here at this hour?"
Whitney: Thatcher, keep in mind that you're holding a cigar.
Matt: Oh, uhm…
Whitney: No. No, a cigar. You look like you're blowing bubbles. A cigar! Hold the cig… Why have you stopped swirling the brandy? Never stop swirling the brandy!
Matt: I'm sorry, I've never smoked before.
Whitney: Bigger swirls, Thatcher.
Matt: Okay.
Mallory: "I'm here because I have to talk to you. It's about our son. He's dead." At that moment Marguerite reaches into her duffel bag and pulls out the body of a full-grown man.
Whitney: Yes, and I've already cast the body, so you'll have something to work with. Jeremy? Are you around here? Jeremy, dear? Ah, yes.
Jeremy: Here I am.
Whitney: Hello darling, back in the bag.
Mallory: Okay… "Thatcher, we must burn the evidence before the police arrive, including this." Marguerite pulls an 18-pound bowling ball from the bag. Oh… so…
Whitney: No, put your fingers in the holes. The bowling ball holes. Yes, the three of them. And the ball should be a little heavier than that, Marguerite. Yes, heavier. A little more. Down. Yes, there you go. And you have the ferret on your shoulder, still. Yes, pet it.
Matt: Okay, Marguerite and Thatcher carry the body and the bowling ball to the fireplace while wiping away gentle tears.
Mallory: Okay.
Whitney: Mind his head.
Mallory: Our son.
Whitney: The ferret, Marguerite! The ferret! And the bowling ball. Thatcher, please keep in mind, you have the cigar and the brandy, still. Yes, Marguerite, don't forget about that ferret. And Jeremy, you should have rigor mortis at this point. Yes. Wonderful. I really feel the terror.
Mallory: Okay.
Whitney: Let's go! Let's go! Come on! Come on! More tears! You're cremating your only son here! Thatcher, you have a line here! No, don't leave the body! Hurry, hurry! The police are on their way! Swirl the brandy, Thatcher, swirl it! No, it's all wrong, you look like you've got palsy, Thatcher! Marguerite, you are crushing that ferret between your mannish jaw. It's dead, honey.
Matt: Okay, Thatcher gazes into the fire for one last look at his son and promptly burst into flames.
Whitney: Uh-huh.
Matt: So how… how are we gonna do that exactly?
Whitney: We're going to set you on fire.
Matt: Oh. Okay, Thatcher begins to roll on the ground.
Mallory: Marguerite grabs a blanket and desperately tries to suffocate the flames. Okay, so…
Whitney: And Jeremy, if you could play the fire as well. Yes. Marguerite, your fingers are stuck in the bowling ball. Still. For the rest of Act Two.
Mallory: Bowling ball?
Whitney: The bowling ball, yes.
Mallory: Okay, so…
Whitney: Yes. Beautiful. Struggle a little.
Mallory: Okay.
Whitney: Swirl the brandy, Thatcher!
Matt: Isn't that like a major fire hazard at this point?
Whitney: Swirl it! All over yourself! Before everything! The ferret! Jeremy, you are beautiful, darling. I feel the heat.
Mallory: Okay, okay, okay. I'm sorry. Does this not ridiculous to you?!
Whitney: No, it just feels unnatural, because you don't have the actual props. I promise it will look great.
Mallory: Okay, I don't know, I've never tried to fight a flaming rolling man while holding a bowling ball and a ferret, but I feel like my character would put them down.
Matt: Yes, I don't know Valencia, maybe we should look into a rewrite for this scene… I mean, it's not a comedy, it's a drama. For children.
Whitney: Fine. Fine, let's put this on the backburner and move on to scene four.
Matt: Thank you.
Mallory: Thanks.
Whitney: Jeremy, if you could play the meteor and the unsuspecting traffic cop, that would be great.
Mallory: Okay, scene four. Marguerite enters as a robot and flies.
Whitney: Yes, and keep in mind, you're still holding your pet ferret. And the bowling ball.
| Season 1 Episode 4 | ||
|---|---|---|
| ~ Dana's Dead Tongue Twister (transcript) ~ ~ Man of Interest (transcript) ~ ~ Bad Extra (transcript) ~ ~ The Amish Go Green (transcript) ~ ~ Stage Directions (transcript) ~ | ||