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Mr. Eckelstone is back.

Transcript

Jason: Hey guys, I don't know about you, but I'm so excited about this hunting trip!
Stacey: Hey, I heard scoutmaster Dan got sick, but they're sending someone else to take us instead.

Matt: Alright scouts, fall in line. I am your substitute scoutmaster, Mr. Eckelstone. Before we begin this hunting trip, I must insist upon two rules. First, always wait for my command to open fire. And second, never let them see your fear. We'll make camp here for the night, and if we're still alive by morning, we'll march to the nearest outpost.

Matt: What? What is this? Fool! You've killed us all!
Adam: It's just a little trail mix.
Matt: Just a little trail mix? Would you say it's "just a little congestive heart failure"? Soon, every woodland creature within a five-mile radius will be upon us, feasting on our bodies like a thousand furry zombies!
Adam: But I keep it in a bag!
Matt: Shh! Listen! Do you hear that? The squirrels! Fall into formation! I want the sharpest marksmen up front! Should we be overrun, fix bayonets and head to higher ground. If this proves to be impossible, there's a cyanide capsule in each of your rucksacks.
Stephen: I'm scared.
Matt: Steel yourself, boy. Remember rule number two: if those squirrels catch even a flicker of fear in your prepubescent eyes, this fight will be over before it's begun. Make ready your firearms and wait for my signal to open- deer!

Matt: Nope, my mistake. Here, boy, reload this pistol quickly.
Jeremy: I think we scared the squirrels away.
Matt: Oh, do not rejoice too soon, we're neither figuratively nor literally out of the woods yet. Behold, this porcupine quill. Keep a weather eye, the monsters usually climb the branches in an endless quest to slick their insatiable bloodlust.
Stacey: But I thought porcupines were kind of peaceful.
Matt: Peaceful, you say? We'll see how peaceful you find them when they're raining down from the trees like needle-covered brimstone! And you can't move because one has lodged itself in your central nervous system. Then perhaps you'll wake up to the harsh reality< of wilderness and survival.
Jeremy: I want to live!
Matt: Then you should have stayed at home and sold cookies! The woods are where men go to die. Deer!

Matt: No, I think that was a pinecone.
Stephen: I think it's getting darker.
Matt: And with the night, new terrors await us. Enjoy the use of all your limbs while you still can.
Adam: Mr. Eckelstone, I think I found something! It looks like a footprint!
Matt: Oh, sweet glory! This mark can only be that of a mountain lion! Circle formation! You boys start a fire like your life depended on it!

Matt: Hurry!
Stacey: I can't do it! My hands are shaking too bad!
Matt: Heaven save you, child! You have the constitution of an arthritic bird! Deer!

Matt: No, reload.
Stacey: I can't do it!
Matt: Light it, boy! Light it or explain to Saint Peter why you failed to save your friends from feline death!
Stacey: I can't...!
Adam: Stacey! Where is he going?
Matt: To oblivion's embrace, that's where. Do not follow or you're suffer the same fate!
Stephen: I see something!
Matt: Oh, brace yourselves for nocturnal savagery!

James: Hey, hey, boys, I'm the park ranger here. Why don't we get you back to the campsite, okay? It's about twenty feet over there. You're scaring everyone.
Matt: Our saving grace! Bless you, young man. A few more moments and we would have- deer!

Trivia

Season 2 Episode 5
~ Touch Up (transcript) ~
~ The Treatment (transcript) ~
~ Cursed Cursive (transcript) ~
~ FauxPocalypse (transcript) ~
~ Judge Not (transcript) ~
~ VISCIPAM: Funny Girlfriend (transcript) ~
~ Mr. Eckelstone's Hunting Trip (transcript)
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