Channel Surfing

Channel Surfing

Transcript: (sketch)

(James is watching TV on the couch, flipping between a soap opera (starring Jason and Whitney), a press conference (starring Matt), a cooking show (starring Mallory) and an exercise video (starring Jeremy)).

Mallory: Now, what you need to do, is stir that until it's about the consistency of a cloud.

Matt: I am pleased to announce NASA's new space program, which will send a family of rats...

Jason: Yes Veronica, it's true. Your ex-husband is still alive and living in Cairo.

Jeremy: Four and slide, two, three, four and reach, two, three, four and slide, two, three, four.

Mallory: Now take a whisk, and really beat-

Jason: -your arthritic grandmother.
Whitney: That's rich! Especially coming from the man who was raised by-

Matt: -feral monkeys, which contracted Hepatitis. They, of course, had to be put down, and now we're using the rats. One NASA authority said:

Jason: Sometimes, I cry in the shower.
Whitney: Hah! You're not fooling anyone! All you've ever cared about is-

Jeremy: -your glutes! You feeling a good burn in there? Now we're gonna start working your thighs,-

Mallory: -and rub them down with some olive oil. That's nice. Now we're ready to put this into the oven, along with-

Matt: -tax payer's dollars. The president wanted it to be absolutely clear that he has no-

Jeremy: -body hair! Some say yes, some say no! But don't be afraid to-

Mallory: -let it envelop you in its aroma. Now this recipe is simple. It calls for flour, eggs, and-

Whitney: -your immortal soul! And we never heard from you! You never called, you never wrote, you never even-

Matt: -learned how to use a special rat toilet. They can navigate complex mazes, and most surprisingly-

Mallory: -they're gluten-free. And, if you don't have an electric mixer, you can just use-

Jason: -flaming passion! Have you no shame?! It absolutely sickens me to think that-

Jeremy: -this is twenty pounds of human fat in a jar. And if you think that you don't have the willpower to do it, don't despair, because-

Matt: -very few have died in the process. The details of the program are vital to national security, so naturally the White House-

Whitney: - will slap that smug look off your face! (slaps Jason)

Mallory: Ouch, that stings! I-

Jason: -love you. And ever since I heard you sing, your voice was like-

Mallory: (loud blender noises)

Jeremy: Isn't that soothing? It makes me want to-

Jason: -question my will to live. All you can do is-

Jeremy: -give your spandex a little snap. Pretty soon you're gonna have a body as solid as-

Matt: -this nation's economy. In conclusion, we'd like to thank you all for coming to this press conference, and we hope that you-

Whitney: -burn for your sins. Don't you see? All I ever wanted was-

Jeremy: -the flexibility of a Russian gymnast! Just remember, there's nothing more attractive to the ladies than-

Mallory: -a chocolate sculpture of Winston Churchill covered in-

Whitney: -dirty money. But it's over now. I'm never coming back. You can forward my mail to-

Matt: -the cold heart of space. Thank you, and-

Jeremy: -see you in skinny town! Population: you.

(James sighs and turns off the TV)

Season 1 Episode 6
~ Trip to the ER (transcript) ~
~ Generation Gap (transcript) ~
~ While You Were Out (transcript) ~
~ Channel Surfing (transcript) ~
~ Metropolitan Boy Scouts (transcript) ~
~ Foreign Exchange (transcript) ~